Almost a year later and I am back writing... well who knows if I will
keep this up but for right now I am on a writing binge... and don't
really care for anyone to read this so no myspace blogs... lol but yeah
I am spending the last few nights in Arlington slowly but I am doing a
lot of thinking about all sorts of things... I don't want to go back to
Denton really... but it should be good for me... I can't believe I
actually wanted to get further away from the only place I feel sane
anymore... (out with my horses in Rendon)... its been great being able
to go out there everyday and spend time with them and even more so time
with my grandparents... I love sitting and talking to my grandmother
for hours... I always have enjoyed the company of the significantly
older women in my life... I would go to Marilyn's daily if I didn't
feel as if I were intruding and if I knew I would be able to limit my
time there... I swear I can spend half a day over there and it seems
like just half an hour...
My friendships (although never really steady) are changing moreso it seems like... mainly I think I feel that way because I am questioning the one friendship I never questioned before... Sammy and I have been through so much but now I find myself asking "Why are we friends?" The answer is lots of reasons... but none of them are the reasons I have for any other friendship... He really is just an insecure security blanket that is convienant to have that I have that for some reason I find it desperate to have his approval... ever since we opened into the whole different kind of friendship I don't even know if we could go back... Back to when there was a reason to be friends... I've come to a point in my life where I don't think I have a void that is in need of Sammy to fill it... This shouldn't mean I should just cut him out I know but I am now having trouble finding a place for him... or at least one I am happy with... He's like the large sofa in a tiny living room... no matter where you put him it just doesn't feel right... And although we have known each other for so long (probably the problem) its hard to just talk about us in a grown up fashion... The song "You're always 17 in your home town" is true for me... I feel I will always be the same age with Sammy... No matter how old we get... and that age wasn't my best year... lol but I don't want to be where I am with him friendship level wise and yet I don't have to courage to face up to him to talk about changing... again with the same age thing... I rag on his 16 year old girlfriend situation and although it seems like jealousy... its not... and I am not sure what exactly it is but I know I am not liking the fact that I am fallback to her... I wouldn't (and have never) mind(ed) another girl stepping in as his girlfriend and even one upping me but to have someone that he doesn't even claim and obviously is embarrassed (to the point that he lies about that fact that she is his girlfriend and the reasons he is with her and about how he is looking forward to the day that he will break up with her) of and is taking place over me... I guess I am just sore that it is happening when I put our friendship in such high regard... I told the only person I ever loved (with the chance of losing him in the air) that if he were the type of guy how would tell me to choose between himself and Sammy... that I would choose Sammy in a heartbeat (as friends don't get this wrong or outta perspective here) and to have one of the biggest knifes in relationship about him... I guess I just expected a little too much and set myself up for dissappointment... but thats alright... slap in the face and I'm back down here on crappy Earth... haha But enough about Sammy I'm sure I will write more later...
I am not really ready to analyse the whole thing with Eric... I will just state that he is declared a missing person and has been for 4 months... he left 6 months ago... and the last thing we said to each other was "I love you", "can't wait to see you" when he told me he was coming home the next day... and that was 4 months ago... I found out that I really didn't know him like I thought I did... He obviously wasn't willing to share his whole life with my as I did with him... He was basically living a double life... in the most Jekyll and Hyde way I know of... I don't hate him for anything... I will always have a place in my heart for him and wish him the best in life like always... and hope that his is happy and healthy even if I never know about it... But like I said I am not ready to analyse that situation yet... and probably won't be until I finally get in to see a psychologist...
Keely has moved into her grandmother's house which is nextdoor to Jim's where Kit keeps hers and Chase's horses... (Chase and I have completely lost touch which is not something I wanted and is something I tried to prevent from happening... I wish her all the best but don't care to put a charade up like she does... we aren't friends anymore but aquaintances that by her wishes hug once a year when we accidentally run into each other) But I am happy to have Keely closer... we are in similar stages in life but with very different situations... I love having her to talk to and I like the fact that we both maintain the energy to keep our friendship the way it should be... I miss having a girlfriend around so I think it will be fun if we can both find the time to hang out as much as we would like to... I hope we do...
My brother got a job with the Colleyville Fire Department and I and my family are so proud of him... today he came home from his first fire and was so excited about it... he looked funny now since he has his new glasses and was covered in soot... but more so the smile that was never there before... I really look up to him and admire that for as low as he got in depression he was able to find himself and something that he loves... he worked so hard to be where he is today and I hope I can be a fraction as lucky in that way as he is... I remember when I was young and naive and use to say I didn't want to be anything like him... but now that I am older and understand things a little better... I hope I can be more like him than I am willing to let on... We have gotten a lot closer over the years and I am really glad for that... I love the closeness of my family and realize I am so lucky to have them... I think that is a big part of me not wanting to leave... life is hard out there and having a wonderful family is so comforting... You don't get that comfort anywhere else... I just want to hold on to it for as long as I can... I'm lucky that I realized this too while everyone in my family is still around...
I am finding good friendships in ones I overlooked or took for granted... I never really realized that Eric (Page that is) and I have a really good friendship... he is one of the few people and definately one of the only guys I can spend hours talking to... We don't fight or argue about anything which is extremely nice and understand a lot about each other... We don't dwell on and definately don't judge anything about each other... We really listen to what the other has to say... I don't think we really need anything for each other so its a friendship purely because we like it to be... I know I have called him up before in the middle of the night because I feel the urge to have a guy around but I don't think those nights are really needed just fun... I also like the fact that it is someone who has seen different sides of my personality and has accepted me for me...
Another person who I think is becoming a better friend is Shane... I went over to his house a while back and watched some movies with him... it was really nice just to spend time with someone... it was kinda of weird how unweird the situation was... I don't think I really have just hung out with Shane but it was enjoyable... And tonight he called and we talked for about an hour... and I hate the phone... I really hate talking on the phone most of the time but it wasn't a uncomfortable thing this time... I asked him if he had any girlfriends that lacked a physical relationship and he said no... and I told him maybe he should try that... so I think I will be his first... He's a good kid with a good heart and I really like the idea of that free standing friendship with him... I plan on making a trip to OK one weekend this semester to spend time with him which should be fun!
I also talked to Amanda on the phone today... She is lacking internet for a while so I will be talking to her that way more often... I need to make more of an effort to use the phone to chat but again with my unfondness of phones... She I will say is one of the few people I don't mind having a conversation on the phone with though... I also plan on driving out one weekend to see her since she isn't moving back this semester and most likely summer... We talked about if the time and place is right looking into maybe getting an apartment of house together... no commitment has been made of course with both our lives so spur of the moment it seems but like I said right time right place... it could be an option... the more I think about it... the more I realize I couldn't live with too many people... I do well by myself and never thought about anyone living with me other than Eric... And a significant other would be enjoyable but for the time being by myself or with someone I could stand and stand me (which is limiting I know) is the way I will plan...
Wow I have been writing for a long time and since I plan on riding tomorrow around noonish... I need to get some sleep... Haha I completely forgot my cat was in my room... Since we have new windows now my window is easily opened and she figured out with just one time that she can scream at it and I will let her in... but I am going to put her outside and lay down and hopefully get some much needed rest... My dreams have settled for the most part... It was hard during the holidays getting out of bed after waking up from the dreams that I don't like to talk about... Ok enough typing...
Goodnight
My friendships (although never really steady) are changing moreso it seems like... mainly I think I feel that way because I am questioning the one friendship I never questioned before... Sammy and I have been through so much but now I find myself asking "Why are we friends?" The answer is lots of reasons... but none of them are the reasons I have for any other friendship... He really is just an insecure security blanket that is convienant to have that I have that for some reason I find it desperate to have his approval... ever since we opened into the whole different kind of friendship I don't even know if we could go back... Back to when there was a reason to be friends... I've come to a point in my life where I don't think I have a void that is in need of Sammy to fill it... This shouldn't mean I should just cut him out I know but I am now having trouble finding a place for him... or at least one I am happy with... He's like the large sofa in a tiny living room... no matter where you put him it just doesn't feel right... And although we have known each other for so long (probably the problem) its hard to just talk about us in a grown up fashion... The song "You're always 17 in your home town" is true for me... I feel I will always be the same age with Sammy... No matter how old we get... and that age wasn't my best year... lol but I don't want to be where I am with him friendship level wise and yet I don't have to courage to face up to him to talk about changing... again with the same age thing... I rag on his 16 year old girlfriend situation and although it seems like jealousy... its not... and I am not sure what exactly it is but I know I am not liking the fact that I am fallback to her... I wouldn't (and have never) mind(ed) another girl stepping in as his girlfriend and even one upping me but to have someone that he doesn't even claim and obviously is embarrassed (to the point that he lies about that fact that she is his girlfriend and the reasons he is with her and about how he is looking forward to the day that he will break up with her) of and is taking place over me... I guess I am just sore that it is happening when I put our friendship in such high regard... I told the only person I ever loved (with the chance of losing him in the air) that if he were the type of guy how would tell me to choose between himself and Sammy... that I would choose Sammy in a heartbeat (as friends don't get this wrong or outta perspective here) and to have one of the biggest knifes in relationship about him... I guess I just expected a little too much and set myself up for dissappointment... but thats alright... slap in the face and I'm back down here on crappy Earth... haha But enough about Sammy I'm sure I will write more later...
I am not really ready to analyse the whole thing with Eric... I will just state that he is declared a missing person and has been for 4 months... he left 6 months ago... and the last thing we said to each other was "I love you", "can't wait to see you" when he told me he was coming home the next day... and that was 4 months ago... I found out that I really didn't know him like I thought I did... He obviously wasn't willing to share his whole life with my as I did with him... He was basically living a double life... in the most Jekyll and Hyde way I know of... I don't hate him for anything... I will always have a place in my heart for him and wish him the best in life like always... and hope that his is happy and healthy even if I never know about it... But like I said I am not ready to analyse that situation yet... and probably won't be until I finally get in to see a psychologist...
Keely has moved into her grandmother's house which is nextdoor to Jim's where Kit keeps hers and Chase's horses... (Chase and I have completely lost touch which is not something I wanted and is something I tried to prevent from happening... I wish her all the best but don't care to put a charade up like she does... we aren't friends anymore but aquaintances that by her wishes hug once a year when we accidentally run into each other) But I am happy to have Keely closer... we are in similar stages in life but with very different situations... I love having her to talk to and I like the fact that we both maintain the energy to keep our friendship the way it should be... I miss having a girlfriend around so I think it will be fun if we can both find the time to hang out as much as we would like to... I hope we do...
My brother got a job with the Colleyville Fire Department and I and my family are so proud of him... today he came home from his first fire and was so excited about it... he looked funny now since he has his new glasses and was covered in soot... but more so the smile that was never there before... I really look up to him and admire that for as low as he got in depression he was able to find himself and something that he loves... he worked so hard to be where he is today and I hope I can be a fraction as lucky in that way as he is... I remember when I was young and naive and use to say I didn't want to be anything like him... but now that I am older and understand things a little better... I hope I can be more like him than I am willing to let on... We have gotten a lot closer over the years and I am really glad for that... I love the closeness of my family and realize I am so lucky to have them... I think that is a big part of me not wanting to leave... life is hard out there and having a wonderful family is so comforting... You don't get that comfort anywhere else... I just want to hold on to it for as long as I can... I'm lucky that I realized this too while everyone in my family is still around...
I am finding good friendships in ones I overlooked or took for granted... I never really realized that Eric (Page that is) and I have a really good friendship... he is one of the few people and definately one of the only guys I can spend hours talking to... We don't fight or argue about anything which is extremely nice and understand a lot about each other... We don't dwell on and definately don't judge anything about each other... We really listen to what the other has to say... I don't think we really need anything for each other so its a friendship purely because we like it to be... I know I have called him up before in the middle of the night because I feel the urge to have a guy around but I don't think those nights are really needed just fun... I also like the fact that it is someone who has seen different sides of my personality and has accepted me for me...
Another person who I think is becoming a better friend is Shane... I went over to his house a while back and watched some movies with him... it was really nice just to spend time with someone... it was kinda of weird how unweird the situation was... I don't think I really have just hung out with Shane but it was enjoyable... And tonight he called and we talked for about an hour... and I hate the phone... I really hate talking on the phone most of the time but it wasn't a uncomfortable thing this time... I asked him if he had any girlfriends that lacked a physical relationship and he said no... and I told him maybe he should try that... so I think I will be his first... He's a good kid with a good heart and I really like the idea of that free standing friendship with him... I plan on making a trip to OK one weekend this semester to spend time with him which should be fun!
I also talked to Amanda on the phone today... She is lacking internet for a while so I will be talking to her that way more often... I need to make more of an effort to use the phone to chat but again with my unfondness of phones... She I will say is one of the few people I don't mind having a conversation on the phone with though... I also plan on driving out one weekend to see her since she isn't moving back this semester and most likely summer... We talked about if the time and place is right looking into maybe getting an apartment of house together... no commitment has been made of course with both our lives so spur of the moment it seems but like I said right time right place... it could be an option... the more I think about it... the more I realize I couldn't live with too many people... I do well by myself and never thought about anyone living with me other than Eric... And a significant other would be enjoyable but for the time being by myself or with someone I could stand and stand me (which is limiting I know) is the way I will plan...
Wow I have been writing for a long time and since I plan on riding tomorrow around noonish... I need to get some sleep... Haha I completely forgot my cat was in my room... Since we have new windows now my window is easily opened and she figured out with just one time that she can scream at it and I will let her in... but I am going to put her outside and lay down and hopefully get some much needed rest... My dreams have settled for the most part... It was hard during the holidays getting out of bed after waking up from the dreams that I don't like to talk about... Ok enough typing...
Goodnight
